


I Will Remember You

by helsinkibaby



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-20
Updated: 2000-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helsinkibaby/pseuds/helsinkibaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel comes to terms with his feelings for Sam, but it takes a strange encounter for him to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Remember You

Jack hunkered down in front of his drinks cabinet, and eyed the vast array of bottles with a practised and determined glare, concentrating on finding the _exact_ bottle for this particular recon mission. He knew from experience that correct selection was vital – you didn’t get what you were looking for unless you had the right poison. 

"Well, ya got three choices." Still staring into the cabinet, he grabbed a bottle, and two shot glasses. "Tequila, tequila…. and oh yeah….tequila." Standing, he turned and kicked the door shut behind him. Raising the glasses and bottle, he grinned at his friend. "What’ll it be?"

Daniel reached under his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose, wondering how he let himself get talked into this. Wasn’t Jack always drawing analogies between the Stargate Project and the Wizard of Oz? Maybe if he clicked his heels together three times, he’d find himself at home in his living room…or more likely in his office at the base. "How about coffee?"

"Now Daniel." Jack’s voice was stern, and Daniel mentally wondered if he was going to end up writing lines, or doing some other punishment exercise. Maybe a trip to confession on the way home – _Father forgive me, I refused Jack’s booze._ "That wasn’t on the list." 

Jack made his way to the coffee table, and plonked down his cargo. "Be right back."

"Take your time."

Jack didn’t take his time, having a sneaking suspicion that if he left Daniel for any length of time at all, he’d find Daniel vanished into thin air when he got back. So he found the salt and lime quickly, returning to find Daniel leaning forward on his seat, staring into the amber liquid as if the key to all the mysteries of the universe were contained within.

Which Jack fervently hoped they were. 

Something was wrong with his happy little family, and he was going to find out what it was if it was the last thing he ever did. For the past two weeks, Carter and Daniel had either been at each other’s throats, or ignoring each other totally. They weren’t even ganging up on him any more, and to his great surprise, he actually missed that. Although, he supposed he could live without it, if it weren’t so blatantly clear that the two of them were miserable. 

And since Carter would never come clean about what had happened, tequila or no – Hell, she could drink him under the table if it came to that – Daniel was the obvious choice. 

If only he’d drink the stuff.

Patience, Jack knew, was not a virtue that the SGC associated with him. And rightly so. However, when there was something that he was waiting for, something that he wanted to happen, he could wait forever if he needed to. So he did. And eventually, Daniel agreed to take a couple of shots.

And Daniel didn’t drink a lot, so that was all it took. 

Jack shook his head as he regarded his friend, realising not for the first time that he could fleece Daniel at cards like this, if he was so inclined. Tonight however, he had something much more pressing to be concerned about – the welfare of his "family".

"So Daniel." He had moved on to beer himself by then, as had Daniel – proof positive, if Jack needed it, that he was sufficiently under the influence for his purposes. "What’s been up with you lately?"

"Nothing." Daniel’s new-found loquacity dried up immediately at the question.

"C’mon! This is me you’re talking to. Jack. Your friend. I know when something’s bothering you Danny-Boy." He took a gulp of his beer, waiting for any sign of a crack in Daniel’s façade. 

"Nothing’s. Wrong. I’m. Fine." The words were fired out in a flat monotone, yet the anger underneath the surface was impossible to miss.

"Right. Which is why you’re at my house drinking tequila. Something’s got you rattled." Another swig from the bottle. "Anything to do with Carter?"

Daniel literally choked on his own swallow of beer. "Sam? No. No, not at all. Why would you think that?"

__

O-ho! Gotcha! That was Daniel’s wide eyed and innocent look, the one that had every nurse in the infirmary acquiescing to Daniel’s every whim. He’d even managed to tone down the anger, such was his facility with the act. Jack wasn’t fooled for a second. "You think I’ve missed the fact that you two have barely said a word for two weeks? That the harmonious interaction of our unit has been severely disrupted?" He paused, waiting for his five-dollar words to permeate Daniel’s brain. "C’mon Danny. What gives?"

"Nothing." Daniel drained his beer in one long swallow and reached for another one. Which gave Jack yet another clue that his friend was lying to him. 

He shook his head. "Danny…you’re a lousy liar. Tell me."

"There’s nothing to tell."

Jack laughed, a harsh mirthless chuckle. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out why Daniel was putting himself through this. Maybe he should have invited Carter on this little session after all. "I don’t get why you just don’t come clean Daniel. I’m gonna find out eventually. After all…" He paused, in part to allow himself to catch up drinks-wise with Daniel (he wasn’t going to be out-drunk by an archaeologist), in part to figure out just what the ‘after all’ could be. He finally hit on one. "It’s not like you slept with her."

Daniel didn’t react in the least, not at first. He just froze, and stared at Jack for what seemed like an eternity, then his gaze slowly found its way down to the floor. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to. His silence was answer enough. 

Jack was stunned into silence himself, and he regretted that last gulp of beer. _Carter and Daniel? Daniel and Carter?_ "You mean…." He couldn’t even finish the thought. 

"Yes." Daniel’s voice was still that flat monotone, but more and more anger was creeping to the surface, at who it was directed, Jack wasn’t sure. The beer bottle in Daniel’s hand was waved around as he began to pace around the room. "I slept with Sam. We slept together. We had sex…..is there anything else you’d like to know?"

"No. No, that just about covers it. Thanks." 

It was probably safe to say that whatever Daniel had expected, that wasn’t it. He’d been expecting anger, confusion, at least a "What the hell?" or "For cryin’ out loud!" Perhaps the lack of reaction was the reason he found himself flopping back down onto the couch, his anger dissipating as quickly as it had arisen. 

When there was no sound from Daniel, Jack spoke hesitantly, unsure of where to go with this. "I take it…. that it didn’t go well?" He found himself blushing uncomfortably, and remembered suddenly all the thinking that he and Sara had done about what they’d tell Charlie about the birds and the bees when the time came. He’d been sure at the time that he’d be totally fine with it – of course, that was a fact-based "in theory" conversation. Actually discussing the sex life of two of his good friends wasn’t another thing entirely, and he hadn’t had _nearly_ enough tequila for that. 

"No." The younger man’s voice was quiet, almost reverent. "No, it was great….it was perfect. Like it’s supposed to be."

Daniel wasn’t looking at Jack, which was a good thing, because his face was at that moment contorted in a grimace, and he was biting back a "For cryin’ out loud." That was way too much detail as far as he was concerned. When he could trust himself to speak, he tried again. "And Carter….didn’t feel the same?"

Again, there was that shake of the head, and he had just enough time to prepare himself for another zinger. "No…no, she felt exactly the same. She fell asleep in my arms…and she told me that she loved me."

The guy wasn’t even remotely embarrassed – when did shy little Daniel become so comfortable talking about stuff like this? Since Jack was two and out in making assumptions, he didn’t make another one, instead settling for a straight question. "So what happened?" He figured he was safe in concluding that love’s young dream hadn’t last long – the silences of the past fortnight spoke volumes on that score. 

"I happened." Daniel raised his bottle to his lips. "I waited until she was asleep….just lay there, watching her. Then I left."

"Oh."

"I was gone when she woke up." He shook his head. "She hasn’t spoken to me since."

Jack shook his head as well. It figured. "Of all the women to have a one-night-stand with…," he muttered, more to himself than Daniel.

"You think that’s all it was? A one-night-stand?" Daniel was staring at him, eyes wide, voice appalled. 

"It wasn’t?"

"No! Of course not! I care about Sam…."

"Just not enough?"

"Too much." His voice was flat, this time, without the anger underneath. 

It all became clear to Jack. "This is about Sha’re?" he questioned gently, knowing that whether he was right or wrong, this was going to be a hard topic for Daniel to handle. 

Daniel’s head was in his hands, the very picture of confusion. When he looked back up at Jack, his eyes were haunted. "I can’t do it..."

Jack narrowed his eyes. He found it hard to follow Daniel on occasion, when the young man’s mind had made an intuitive leap ahead, bypassing several stops of logic. Between the jumping and the tequila and the beer, Jack was lost. "Do what? Happiness? Love? Marriage? Great sex? What a chore for you." He didn’t mean to be sarcastic, really, it was just second nature to him. 

"Lose her." 

Ah. So that was what it was. "Daniel, you can’t think like that. You can’t stop living just because you’re afraid of losing what you love."

"Not Sam, Jack. Sha’re."

Jack frowned. Just when he thought he was on the right track, there he was, lost again. "Not following you."

Daniel sighed. "Sha’re….she was the first woman I ever truly loved. The first woman who ever loved me. I’m not like you Jack, able to have any woman I want. Sha’re was a gift – not just from the people of Abydos. She was like a gift from God – the woman I’d been waiting for all my life." He paused, trying to organise his thoughts. "Our time together….was flawless. Every second, every minute….was perfection. It was as if….as if our hearts beat as one. And when hers stopped….mine was broken too."

"But not forever." Jack’s voice was quiet. "Daniel, Sha’re wouldn’t have wanted you to live the rest of your life missing her, pining after her. She’d have wanted you to live. Don’t let your life pass you by Daniel."

"I just feel…like I’m losing her…"

"Sha’re’s gone Daniel." Jack knew that he might be being cruel, but he told himself that Daniel needed to hear this. "And moving on with your life isn’t wrong. Just because you’ve fallen in love with Carter doesn’t mean you love Sha’re any less."

That appeared to get through to Daniel, who nodded, then looked at Jack, a question in his eyes. "Wait a minute….I never said I was in love with Sam."

Jack chuckled. The kid was so transparent. "You didn’t have to – it’s written all over your face." They shared a smile. "But I’m not the one you need to be talking to."

Daniel nodded affirmatively. "You’re right I’ll talk to her." He stood up, as if to leave, resolute, determined – then collapsed back on the couch as the room spun around him. "Woah."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"You want the spare room?"

"Please."

>*<*>*<

Daniel woke to find himself staring not at Jack’s ceiling, but at his own. He ought to know it – he’d spent enough nights lying there sleepless, watching the shadows play across it. Tonight though, there was something different. Tonight, he wasn’t alone. He wouldn’t have to go out to the living room, try to find something on the TV. Or make himself some warm milk, or read a chapter of his book. He looked at her, pillowed on his chest, and moved his head back slightly to better see her. The sheet was pulled tightly around her body, the body he’d spent hours getting to know, inch by inch. Her short blond hair was tousled, some errant strands slipping across her forehead, the rest tickling his chest as she moved her head. Her lips curved in a gentle smile, content and satisfied even in her sleep. No, there would be no infomercials or books or warm milk for him tonight to soothe him back to sleep. Just the warm body of his lover, and the passion they had shared. 

Something moved in the shadows, catching his attention. Carefully drawing himself up so as not to wake Sam, he peered past the end of the bed. The shadows parted to reveal an all-too-familiar figure. 

"Sha’re."

She was dressed as she was when she had been killed – the simple cream robes of Apophis’ queen, raven hair cascading around her shoulders. He stared at her in silence, before looking down at Sam, who continued to sleep soundly. He felt a surge of guilt, as if Sha’re had caught him cheating on her. Which was absurd. Because Sha’re was dead. Which meant only one thing.

"I’m dreaming aren’t I?"

Sha’re nodded, a smile lighting up her face. "You have found a new love, my Daniel." It was a statement, not a question.

Again, Daniel looked at Sam then back at her before he answered. "I never meant to," he protested, thinking that she was angry or upset. "It just happ…."

Sha’re shook her head quickly, closing the distance between them. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she put her fingers to his lips. "It is good Daniel. This is as it should be."

"It is?"

"My life has ended Daniel. But you have many years left. You should be happy…you should be loved." Blue eyes met brown, that connection carrying more weight than all her words. "Don’t let your life pass you by Daniel. Weep not for the memories….but carry on. Live your life"

A smile found its way onto Daniel’s face. "That’s what Jack said."

"O’Neill is a wise man." Sha’re stood. "Be happy my Daniel." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "I will remember you. Will you…?"

"My whole life." Daniel had to swallow against tears. "Thank you for sharing yours with me."

She bestowed her special smile on him – beautiful, bright, luminous – then she was gone.

Daniel Jackson woke up in Jack’s spare room, stone cold sober, with tears running down his cheeks. 

>*<*>*<

He pounded frantically on the door of Sam’s apartment, eschewing the more conventional method of ringing the doorbell. He’d dressed quickly and come straight over to Sam’s, disregarding every speed limit he met and heedless of the fact that even sober, he was still probably over the limit. Between the talk with Jack and the dream – vision? – of Sha’re, what he’d known all along had suddenly become very clear to him. He wanted Sam – he loved Sam. Now he just had to tell her, apologise for being the world’s biggest idiot, and hope that she’d forgive him. He had the feeling that if he didn’t do this right here, right now, then he never would. Which went a long way to explaining the fact that he was nervous as hell, and was taking the nerves out on the front door.

The door swung open and he was faced with one very pissed-off Major Samantha Carter, a woman, he belatedly remembered, who was trained in hand to hand combat, and who had, in front of his very own eyes, fought a feared warlord and won on Simarka. 

What had convinced him that this was a good idea?

"Sam, I know it’s late." He decided to speak first, before she slammed the door in his face – or worse. "But we need to talk. And I probably should have called first, but I figured that you’d only hang up on me, and even if you close the door in my face, at least I’d have seen you and…" He paused both for breath and because Sam had turned her back on him and stalked into the apartment. Not the best start, he realised, but she _had_ left the door open, which could only be good. Mentally crossing his fingers, he followed her in.

He winced as he placed the music that blared through the room, obliterating any hope of peace and quiet. Verdi’s _Requiem_. That wasn’t a good sign. Few people knew that Sam had a large collection of classical music, and that whatever was in the CD player was a good indicator of her mood. When she wanted to relax, to switch off, it was Mozart or Rachmaninov. When she wanted to psych herself up it was _Carmina Burana._ The night that they had made love, it had been Beethoven. 

__

"The Moonlight Sonata right?" Daniel had smiled, recognising the music. "I love that piece."

"Yeah." Sam smiled too, as the ghostly strains of music echoed around the room. Absently, her fingers made circles on the hand that held hers, while the arm that was around her shoulders reached up and toyed with her hair, also absently. As she stared into the firelight, Daniel looked down at her and realised that she was a million miles away. When she caught his gaze again, her smile took on a sheepish tint. "My mom used to play the piano," she told him. "This was one of her favourite pieces. I remember, she used to play it all the time. I always loved it…but I didn’t understand it, not really, not then…"

Daniel frowned as she lost herself in her memories once more. "What’s there to understand?" he asked her. "It’s music."

"But what’s it about?" Sam’s eyes gleamed in the dim light.

For once, Daniel was lost for words. "Love?" It was a shot in the dark, and Sam called him on it.

"Lucky guess?" When he nodded, she laughed out loud. "You’re half right," she told him. "It is about love. But not romantic love, it’s not like…Romeo and Juliet. It’s about real love, and the changes that it can make in you. It’s about…people who have been through the mill, who have lived life…who have loved, and lost…and who have grown together, in spite of everything."

Daniel grinned, listening to the music and hearing it, really hearing it, for the first time. He looked down at their intertwined hands and squeezed gently. "So …it’s about us."

She’d grinned self-consciously, resting her head on his shoulder, and he knew that this time, he’d guessed right.

The sudden silence in the room as Verdi was muted in mid-blare snapped him back to reality. When she listened to this piece – and this loudly – Daniel knew she was angry, and in no mood to be soothed. He looked around the room quickly, taking in with a glance the blanket on the couch, the steaming mug of tea on the table. She was wrapped up in her most comfortable robe, arms folded across her chest, foot tapping as she stared at him from across the room. 

"You wanted to talk? Talk."

It was an order, not a request.

"Sam, I’m sorry." He got right to the heart of the matter. "I was an idiot. I should never have done what I did, and you have every right to be angry with me…" He ran out of steam slightly when he realised that she wasn’t getting angrier as he had feared. Instead her shoulders were beginning to slump dejectedly, and her eyes were glistening. 

"I think I worked that much out Daniel." She was beginning to pace restlessly. "It was pretty clear that you’d made a mistake when you left without saying anything."

Daniel’s eyes closed as he realised what she was thinking. "Sam, it’s not like that."

"Tell me it wasn’t to do with Sha’re." She came to a dead stop, and fixed him with a steady, defiant gaze, daring him to deny what they both knew was true. He stayed silent, which served only to confirm it for her. "I knew it," she muttered, resuming her pacing once again. "I guess after the fairy tale, I must’ve been a disappointment."

"Sam, it’s not what you think." Daniel tried again. However, he wasn’t going to get very far – Sam had been building up anger for two weeks, and wasn’t going to let the opportunity to have her say get away.

"What was it Daniel? Did you wake up the next morning, and realise that you didn’t feel the same way? Or that you still weren’t over her?" Her voice was still angry, but more and more Daniel could detect the hurt and betrayal that were just underneath the surface. "Wasn’t I as good as her? Is that what it was?"

"Sam, stop!" 

Even the desperate tone in his voice couldn’t reach her. "You know what’s funny? I thought we had something special. There was something building between us for months Daniel. Months! It wasn’t a one-off, it wasn’t a moment of madness…it was special."

"I know."

Sam went on as if he hadn’t spoken, as if she hadn’t even heard him. "We spent so much time together…. and then that night…" She shook her head as if to clear it, eyes bright with unshed tears. "You left. You just left. You didn’t even leave a note! Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"

"I know I hurt you…"

"You have no idea. No idea how much that night meant to me. And you couldn’t even talk to me."

"Because I knew how much I’d hurt you, not because I didn’t care!"

"And did you leave because you cared too?" Sam had obviously been spending too much time with Jack, because the sarcasm in her voice made him wince. "Is that how much I matter to you?"

"No. I left because of Sha’re." She turned away in disgust, and Daniel realised very quickly that he’d said the wrong thing. 

"I don’t need to hear this."

"Yes you do." He came up behind her and stood there, wanting to put his hands on her shoulders, but not quite daring to. "It wasn’t because I was with you, and then suddenly realised that I was still in love with Sha’re. It wasn’t that I compared you both, and you didn’t measure up. It wasn’t that I felt as if I was being unfaithful to her. It was because I knew when I looked at you sleeping … I knew that I was in love with you."

She turned when she heard that, eyes wide as she looked at him, not even trying to stop the tears that finally ran down her cheeks. "Then why did you leave?" she whispered. 

"Because … I guess I panicked," he shrugged helplessly. "I thought that by being with you … by feeling the way I do … that I would forget Sha’re. She was such a big part of my life for so long …She was so important to me… I didn’t want to lose my memories of her."

Her eyebrows knit together in a frown. "Daniel – your time with Sha’re is part of what makes you who you are. I know what she did for you … I’d never ask you to forget her," she protested. 

"I know that. Now. But then…I wasn’t thinking. Or I was thinking too much." He sighed, reaching out a hand to trace along the edge of her jaw. "I should never have left you that night. And I’m so sorry."

"Why didn’t you talk to me? I’m supposed to be your friend." 

"It’s funny isn’t it?" Daniel’s tone was wry, indicating that it was anything but. "I speak twenty-three different languages, and I couldn’t find the words to tell you what I was feeling. I was so afraid Sam. I knew I was in love with you…but I was afraid. To lose Sha’re, to lose you. It was only after I left that I realised I might lose you anyway."

She shook her head, reaching up to caress his cheek with her hand. "You could never lose me Daniel," she whispered. 

"But I almost did…I was so busy clinging to a past that I forgot to look to a future." He took her hand from his cheek, and reaching for her other hand, held both of them in his. "That’s not what I want anymore."

Sam squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them again, making sure that she was really here, that he was really here, that he really was saying all this. "It’s not?"

"There’s been so much darkness in my life – in _all_ our lives the past few years. But you … you gave me light Sam – you **_are_** my light. Through everything with Sha’re…. you were my friend, my support … my lifeline. I could never have got through the last few years without you."

His arms drew her into a hug, and she surprised him by gripping him tightly. As if he was something she was afraid to lose. "I thought we’d ruined everything." Her voice was muffled against his jumper.

He kissed the top of her head. "I almost ruined everything."

She pulled away from his embrace. "Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Promise me you’ll never leave me again?"

Daniel smiled, taking her face in his hands. "I promise," he whispered, before bringing his lips down to hers. She returned the kiss wholeheartedly, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer to her. When he drew away, they were both breathing heavily. "I love you Samantha Carter," he whispered.

"I love you too." Those four words were music to his ears as smiling, they walked hand in hand into the bedroom.

>*<*>*<

Sam woke to find the first rays of sunlight peeking through the curtains. Closing her eyes, she snuggled deeper back under the covers, not wanting to let go of the night’s memories just yet. As she did, she realised that something was different, and turning over, her worst fears were confirmed. The other side of the bed was empty, although it had obviously been slept in. 

Her heart sank. _No_ she thought, even as she felt tears come into her eyes. _No, he wouldn’t do that to me again. He wouldn’t._

Stealing herself for the silence that she was sure would meet her, she shakily called out. "Daniel?"

What seemed like years later, but was really only seconds, his head popped around the door. "Hey, you’re awake!"

On one hand, she was glad that he hadn’t left. On the other, she couldn’t figure out why he was up and dressed already. "Where were you?"

Daniel saw the look on her face and instantly guessed what she was thinking. "You thought I’d left?" She didn’t have to nod. "No…Sam, no." He pointed over his shoulder. "I wanted to surprise you….I thought I’d make you breakfast…." 

She grinned happily at him, touched by the gesture, relieved by his words. As she looked at him, she became aware for the first time of the sound filtering in from the living room. As it registered with her, her smile turned wicked. "Daniel?"

He was instantly wary. "Yes?"

"Forget breakfast."

Daniel blinked as the import of her words hit him. Then an answering smile spread across his face. "Yes Ma’am."

Later – much later – they lay in each others arms, matching smiles on their faces, savouring how nice to was to be here like this, with the person you loved more than anything else in the world, against all the odds, finding a second chance at love. She lay as she had in his dream, head pillowed on his chest. His arms were around her, one hand stroking lazy circles on her back, the other moving equally lazily through her hair. Feeling so much, but not saying a word, they knew how blessed they were. 

Meanwhile, in the background, Beethoven lulled them back to sleep. 

* * *


End file.
